


The Prostatement

by man_in_glass_moved, quillandinktwink



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Ghosts, Other, Possession, Prostate Examinations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:27:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27372667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/man_in_glass_moved/pseuds/man_in_glass_moved, https://archiveofourown.org/users/quillandinktwink/pseuds/quillandinktwink
Summary: Statement of Gerald, regarding ghostly possession and prostate mania.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	The Prostatement

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry

_[Tape Recorder clicks on]_

THE ARCHIVIST: Statement of-

GERALD: Gerald Cumbucket.

THE ARCHIVIST: _[sighs]_ Regarding?

GERALD: A possession.

THE ARCHIVIST: Statement recorded directly from subject, 3rd November, 2020. Statement begins.

  
  


GERALD, _Statement_ : 

You’ve heard of a possession before, right? Well, a ghost made me steal a prostate. Okay, I know how that sounds, but listen to me for a second.

So I was with my friends and we were hanging out at Patch’s place - I don’t think his last name is particularly relevant to this story. He told me offhandedly one time that he thought he had a ghost problem, but I never put too much stock into it. I’m not exactly superstitious, and the things he described the ghost as doing just… didn’t seem plausible, really. Way out of the sphere of a common garden poltergeist or whatever ghouls people have decided haunt their homes. That probably should have made it more believable, now I think about it. Weird stuff happened, is the point.

And I’m not really a big “skeptic” either, I guess. Never been particularly into debunking, or mocking believers, or even just actively disbelieving. I take a neutral stance mostly. The way I see it, if ghosts aren’t real no embarrassment on my part and if they are then I’d better not disrespect them. I don’t exactly behave like that, though. Kind of got to keep up the bravado around your mates sometimes, right? No use staying neutral when your friends are joking about a sex ghost. Yeah, that’s what Patch said it did. Not really sexual, just… horny. I can’t believe I just said that.

It was apparently pretty weird for him. I mean, your fishnets going missing and then finding them draped over the foot of your bed the next day next to a Victoria’s Secret bag you’ve never seen in your life sounds weird to say the least. Apparently it did more, but the implications of ghost capitalism took me out for a while and I didn’t ask. He was always pretty chill, so I didn’t really expect that kind of thing from him, but I guessed at the time that he was trying his hand at humour.

I wish he had been. I really do.

So I mentioned joking about it with friends? Yeah, we were at his house with a few friends (Patch, obviously, Solus, Moss, Tim, and Juno. A few others, but they were bouncing around cooking or something), and he brought it up again (something about a mysterious package at his door to do with dragons?), and obviously Tim’s gut reaction was to joke about an affair with the ghost. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. We all took the idea and ran with it, and started ramping it up. I mean, we all got bad near the end. Pretty disrespectful stuff. If I was the ghost I’d be offended way before the breaking point.

I’m making excuses. Point is, I went a little too far. I can’t even remember what it was, just that evidently it was beyond the line. The lights went a little weird, and then my eyes went a little weird, and then I was cold. I was still in my body, it wasn’t like i was ejected or anything, I was just pushed aside. I could see, and I could hear, but I had no control.

I’m guessing I don’t need to give you an anatomy lesson. You have to know this bit, it’s basic stuff.

No?

I have to explain _this?_

Oh, screw your “preservation of current knowledge in case of future biological changes”. I’m _not-_

Alright, fine.

Well, since it seems that the person receiving this statement has the knowledge of a literal nine year old, I’ll explain it. 

I really don’t know how to say this. There’s one prostate, and we all have to share. I don’t know how it works, probably some quantum physics fluff or whatever, and I know that we can switch back and forth pretty quickly, and it’s detachable. I didn’t do much with biology in or after school, okay?

So, I got possessed. Patch noticed pretty quickly, something about the eyes must have reminded him. Tim was still caught in the middle of the joke, and didn’t notice, and the ghost got lucky.

I grabbed the prostate. Right out of Tim, mid laugh. He stopped abruptly (a ghostly fist up the arse will do that to you). Patch yelled first.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK,” he said, allegedly calmly. “THAT’S MY PROSTATE. I GREW IT MYSELF.”

Alright, back to the prostate explanation, since apparently mine wasn’t enough. Rude. Apparently when the person with the prostate at the time dies, no one can get it? So every so often someone gets born and grows their own prostate to share. Patch was one of those people. So really there’s like three prostates, but it’s easier to just say one.

The ghost heard Patch speak, and heard the word prostate, and came to some conclusions that I can’t comment on. It put the prostate in him. Just, right up in there. At this point, most people had come around and gone “Hey, why the fuck has Gerald just fisted two people in quick succession with no lube? And how has no one been injured by the aforementioned fisting?” 

I can’t explain that. Maybe ghosts are constantly lubed up and ready to go?

So, after the high-speed prostate transplant, Patch quickly caught people up to speed whilst the ghost in my body stood in the corner and salivated or something. Tim suggested an exorcism, Solus suggested fucking around and finding out, Moss suggested just leaving the ghost to it, Juno suggested seducing the ghost , and Patch was just concerned with keeping his prostate safe.

There are some really fascinating parapsychological studies on ESP - whether someone’s emotions can affect others even when not outwardly expressed. Apparently, ghosts have that. Or just good hearing, I don’t know.

So the ghost decided, hey, let’s get Patch’s attention and… a memorable experience? It grabbed the prostate again, is what I’m saying. This time it didn't perform a transfer or anything, just shoved it down the hatch.

It didn’t go down fast. Agonisingly slowly, in fact. I nearly choked, and Patch looked willing to watch me die. Eventually, it went down, and the ghost looked at Patch.

It was almost a sad moment. The rejected spirit, Patch’s absolute fury, the awe of everyone watching, it combined to create the romantic-drama rejection moment Nicholas Sparks has wet dreams about. Unfortunately for the ghost, repeat prostate theft did not warm Patch up to the idea of a ghostly affair.

The ghost popped out just as Patch’s fist connected with my jaw. I nearly got knocked out by his twinky prostate-inspired rage, but I guess ghostly possession strengthens you a bit. The first thing I did was apologise, and the second I did was ask,

“How are we getting the prostate back?”

There was a grim moment of silence. Solus was the first to speak.

“I nominate Tim.”

Tim disagreed, and in the ensuing violent rage, everyone else called not it. Tim disagreed with Solus enough that Solus finally agreed to wait until the prostate was possible to get and… retrieve it.

So all that was left to do was wait. Patch claimed he could sense the location of the prostate and would alert Solus the second it was retrievable, and there was no point in protesting. Solus accepted the reality of xis situation, sighed, and made for the bottle of lube and latex gloves in his bag, ignoring the stares xe got from the rest of us and the existence of the weirder contents of the bag. Tim cracked a distinctly blue joke, and Solus refused to make any eye contact for a while.

Eventually, it was time - according to Patch, at least. Solus threateningly snapped on the latex gloves (plus some little finger torches for maximum visibility), lubed up, and went in.

After a few minutes of discomfort (where we determined Patch was a lying bitch and Solus couldn’t be bothered to remove xis hand so xe just waited), Solus located the prostate, and promptly removed it. It was… uncomfortably acidic. Patch silently looked at it, looked at where he thought the ghost was, and gestured rather rudely. Tim gently took it from Solus and rinsed it, and Moss remained stock still and horrified. Juno was still attempting to seduce the ghost with what I can only call interpretive dance demonstrating the feelings of the prostate as it moved through my body. It was… very uncomfortable.

Tim returned the prostate to Patch, and the whole ordeal was over.

THE ARCHIVIST: Statement ends.

_[Beat.]_

THE ARCHIVIST: What the fuck.

_[Tape Recorder clicks off]_


End file.
